just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
