Im at strip club and am horny
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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