3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize