She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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