That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
