Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
BRING THE BAGELS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
