Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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