He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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