I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
