My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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