and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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