Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
