I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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