i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
