What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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