From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
