We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
