Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
