WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
