All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
