Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
