new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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