you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
