Screwed.edu
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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