the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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