I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
