Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
