I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
