he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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