I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize