im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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