beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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