So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
