I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize