ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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