I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
