Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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