I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
