Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
