1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize