I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
