Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
