I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
