I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize