I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
