you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
