I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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