That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
