You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
