Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
