He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
