I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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