How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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