If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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