No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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