There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
