I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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