He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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