I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
